DuBeard Visit

After our 9 hour aeronautic adventure from Johannesburg we finally landed in Dubai at 5am. We had decided to rent a car instead of cabbing it everywhere and made sure it came with a GPS unit. We first plotted a course to the tallest building in the world; the Burj Khalifa. 206 floors of oil money magic. Upon arrival we found ourselves in the largest mall known to man. 1200 stores. After wandering blindlessly through this massive symbol of consumer whoredom we finally found where the entrance to the tower was. We approached the desk with our rapist beards and the girl obviously thinks we are locals and speaks some abu dahabi to me. Jake and I look at each other confused and look back. After realizing her mistake she switches to English and says "I said you have pretty eyes". Awwww schucks, I blushed and we went back to bidness.

Turns out the tower doesn't open until 10am so we had some time to kill. We found every westernized restaurant known to man in the food court with its English title and squiggly lined Abu Dhabi title right next to it. There was even a smoothie shop that sold a flavor called cancer killer. From the looks of everything else in the mall we were pretty sure it worked. Once we found our way out of the food court (which is the size of a regular us mall) we got our tickets for the Burj and started our trek up this beast.

This building is 2,717 ft high, houses 5,000,000 sq ft of residential/office space, and cost 1.5 Billion USD to complete. We went up as far as the public could go which was the 124 floor of the 160 inhabitable floors. The elevator took 70 seconds to get to floor 124. For 30 Aladdin dollars you could go to a viewing deck which provided an impressive view of the desert skyline. This kind of took us back because from the ground it looks like a lush tropical place but from these heights you see the mirage that is Dubai. We quickly got bored of this but we were happy to say we had done it.

Some of you thought the Sears Tower was towering over you however it gets trumped when the Burj is placed on the Chicago skyline.

Next it was time for winter sports in the desert. This took us to another massive mall. It wasn't as large as the first but still bigger than any in the US. We make our way to the Ski Dubai wing of the mall. It was nuts to say the least. They rent you everything you need and have you on the hill in less than 20 minutes. Now armed with our designer matching jacket and pant combination we embarked on the massive mountain. As we got on the lift we realized we were going at this disgusting snails pace. Slow enough so that some guy was running alongside us and yelling something.. Apparently we needed to put the bar down. This was critical for surviving a catastrophic accident at 5mph and 15 feet in the air. Our first run was over quicker than I lasted my first time with a lady. It was barely a hill. I have gone off jumps and flown in the air for more distance than this hill. I think to even call it a hill was an insult to all hills, even the really small ones.

Despite our vertically challenged hill we were still shredding in the desert. We did not have hats or gloves but there was no wind so they weren't really necessary. They had a few little jumps set up and some stuff to grind on. We took turns taking goofy photos and getting yelled at by the people for not having on a helmet or going too fast. After 5 runs and a snowball fight we concluded that we had conquered the mountain. After a quick kabab in the food court we were off to our next XTREME adventure.

Look at our model sporting our classy new Dubai Winter Wear line

They even had jumps and table tops to grind on

As you can see the altitude at the top of the hill makes breathing difficult but at least there is no wind.

I really wish this was a BP sign... But this sign was under the chair lift

This is where the men go...

Next we find ourselves at the Water Wadi water park situated just below the illustrious Arab hotel near the palm sand islands thing.  After all, when we had landed at 5am it was already 90 degrees and we needed some warming up after the snowball fight because I wasn't about to cuddle with Jake for the warmth he smells like tuna fish left in the sun coated witha a delightful layer of vomit.  This place was a total Muslim sausage fest.  For a meare 440 AED we were into the magical world of hairy bodied peoples.  There were some girls there of other nationalities but not much eye candy.  It was interesting that some female muslims were there with a swimming suit berka still only leaving their eyes exposed; they looked uncomfortably hot.  We also found that this park stayed open till 9am on every night except ladies night which it was open till 1am where only women and young children were allowed. I surmised that this was so the Muslim women could go swimming without worrying about their Burka but I have nothing to back this up.  We first hit the lazy river and attempted to make use of Jakes underwater camera.  We then moved onto the extreme upward slides.  In an inner tube you were propelled uphill through the twisty turny tubes it was rather exciting because the ride took you all around the park and probably 30 minutes to the end.  Now we needed to step it up another notch so we got on the super down hill slide.  It looked fairly tame but looks were deceiving.  They tell you to cross your legs in arms in specific fashions..Then you slide down this probably 200ft drop which is not bad until the very last 50 feet where it pretty much straight drops you and you begin skipping across the water.  Have you ever slid on a gym floor and melted your skin a bit in gym class?  Well that burning is what my entire back felt like.  I got up and the guy asked if was ok... Manning up I said "oh yeah!" Jake arrives down the shoot shortly after and stands up out of the water obviously writhering in pain he says ouuuuch I reply "soo painful i hurt all over" the lifegaurd shoots me a glance like I am not the man he thought I was.  From here we were done with water action so we went wash off.  They have individual showers with awesome Abu Dhabi techno playing it was nice warm shower with soap and shampoo provided.  We dried off in the sun and set off for the next adventure. 


Burj Al Arab Hotel

This was one of the sweet toys in the gift shop...   Please notice the MADE IN USA... definitely not something I'm used to seeing !!! The next picture shows the instructions for setup and use.  Pay special attention to these

Are we sure this is for a water toy?  This looks strangely familiar to the condom instructions we received in Swaziland.Where dreams come true..

This is my back after the giant slide that made my back feel like it had just slid across a gym floor...

Let me just say that Dubai is money.  Like lots and lots of money.  Like the GDP of the Burj is probably higher than all of South Africa.  Like the cost of building the entry way is more than all of South Africa makes in 5 years.  I compare to South Africa because there nothing was illustrious or fancy but in Dubai everything is ornate, pristine, shimmering, pretty much may as well have made everything from gold bricks.  The cars there are like you are driving through LA.  Every nice car.  Purple Lamborghini Gallardo (oddly with tail light out), Porsche's were a dime a dozen, every other Audi was an RS6, Audi R8 DRULE!!!, Ferrari's of various varieties, Bentley's, etc.  Very few American cars but I did spot a Cadillac and a camaro but that was about it.  There were not really any beat up cars I nearly felt embarrased in our Honda CRV we needed the Hummer or something with some serious bling to even fit in.  Driving there was absolutely frustrating and way more so than driving around all of South Africa was.  Even though it was like a big city in the US and you drive on the right hand side, and even though most drivers are very aware and driving properly, it is 6 lanes of traffic everywhere splitting off in every direction every quarter mile.  The GPS was lagging probably on account of the smog so it made for very frustating navigation when every turn I made was just off and ... "RECALCULATING" was all I heard non stop. All the same do not try to navigate there without one!


It was time for some upscale Middle eastern food. We plugged some randomness into the GPS and found ourselves at a very classy restaurant.  We were treated like royalty.  We were shown to a table that has a couch on one side and chairs on the other.  To make things creepy and comfy I decided to sit on the same side as Jake on the comfy couch.  I'm sure this looked interesting to them.  Not sure why they constantly stared at us if it was that we were whiteys or because we were sitting together like we were a couple who knows.  All the same the provided us with the best service I have ever received. They lined up hoards of food before we had even ordered that we had not the faintest clue what to do with it.  Not sure if we made a wrap or dipped or if we were allowed to use fingers.  We chose just to stare at in awe.  It was impressive and we felt awkward most of the time because we had no idea if we were being rude or not.  We made it out unscathed and very pleased with the meal.

We made our way back to the airport which was one of the most stressful experiences I have ever had.  The gps kept leading me down wrong roads and Hertz was no where in sight.  The dubai airport is MASSIVE.  It has 3 terminals but on the signs there is no mention to what airline is on one.  There are no signs for rental car return.  Nothing.  Just terminal 1,2 or 3.  We tried going through and finding our way... We luckily stumbled upon the Hertz rental after asking numerous people it was at the bottom of the parking on terminal 3. no signs anywhere.  Never been so confused and lost in my life.  All I wanted was to watch the US game.

The USA game was so sad we were kicked squarely in the Ghanads. We were soundly defeated. They were better athletes beating us to every ball, blocking every cross by outheading us, and then out flopping us.  It was one of the most dissapointing games I have ever seen.  For once we thought soccer would get a stronghold in the US; however after the USA not being able to convert on chances and all the mocho people of the USA seeing the flops that Ghana did (AND THE FUCKING REF GIVING THEM FOUR STRAIGHT PENALTIES EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS NO PHYSICAL CONTACT) people in the US will continue to see soccer as a shitty sport.  Very sad day indeed.  

Well we hop onto the plane to New York...

Well its the end of the post but I feel like I did not explain Dubeard.  Turns out that our beards fit in very well in Dubai.  Everyone either had pubes stuck to their face like Jake or had a trimmed up gruffy look like I had going.  Lots of body hair there.... Yummy.