Farewell To Soccer

Jake's final salute to the World Cup standing outside of Soccer City in Johannesburg where we sadly never got to watch a match. Impressive nonetheless.

It was now time to leave South Africa. We packed up our stuff and headed to Johannesburg for a a tour of the South African Breweries World of Beer Tour. This is labeled the #1 tourist attraction in South Africa. After extensive research of this facility we have come up with the following advice: DO NOT GO. Save you money, sanity, and 90 minutes of your life. This was the most boring, lamest, fakest, built up, waste of money tour I have ever been on. If you are into going into multiple rooms and watching beer propaganda films then this may the tour for you. At one point we watched a movie with topless native village women talking about how it was their responsibility as women to make beer for the men and then watch them drink it. If they drank more it was considered a compliment, durrr.

After watching this video we were told that when visiting similar rural villages, refusing to accept the home made beer from the beer master was an insult and you had to drink it. The guide then turned to the back of the room (as if we were in a rural village) and grabbed an open pot filled with "local village brewed beer" that had been sitting their since we entered the room. They then handed it to one person in our tour and pretty much implied that this was a village so they had to drink it. We were all then instructed to drink from the same gross pot and pass it on. I wish i could say this was the low point of the tour but it was all pretty horrible.

We ended up staying for lunch because we were so friggin hungry. I ordered some ostrich dish and received this weird pot of goo and, well, an ostrich vertebrae. WTF. There were two tiny chunks of meat on the two vertebrae I received. Wow really? Again do not go here. Mid meal we were approached by our waiter saying he had some top notch Biltong (which is South African beef jerky). We asked if we could just add it to our check but apparently this sale was under the table. Classy. Upon leaving we find that somehow we had left Jake's cell phone back in Pretoria. We didn't have time to go back and get it so we head to the airport.

Doesn't that look tasty! Nothing like some Ostrich spinal column to kick start your day!


Impressive visual effects on the beer tour


One part of the tour involved a 3d segment! You can see how excited we are!


Finally, my 'free' beer on the tour that I paid for that in retrospect you could not have paid me to go on.


On our way to the airport the GPS decided freeways were not efficient enough so we got to go through the whole city of Jozi again. Here are some interesting things about downtown Joberg.

Red light, green light red light. Oh I get it! Many lights made no sense. There were red lights right next to green lights we just waited to see what other drivers did... very odd.


Some fine examples of how they are fighting Aids through Art.. Go to the full size version and look closely to find the floating condoms in the mural!


Once we got to the airport everything seemed to be moving rather smoothly which was a nice break from the hectic experiences we have had with airports/rental car facilities/border crossings. We returned the car, got our tickets, and made it through customs with no trouble. Then South Africa decided to be awesome just one more time and the power went out in the entire airport. It was pitch black and completely silent. It was quite creepy. After a few seconds the generators kicked in. When i say generators i mean those of the shops. The airport itself did not have any backup power, just the shops, makes sense right?

After the power outage everything was closed or delayed...We weren't sure if we'd ever leave



And another fine prevention specimen in the airport. This time they used soccer to get their message across. Very nice and timely.


It turns out our flight was late enough that we did not experience any delays/cancellations. We were onto Dubai and did not know what to expect. Stay tuned...

Japan Denmark Game Bombed

Turns out the threat of the bombing at the game was real. (Apparently he's one of their players).

For our third time attending a match in Rustenburg it turned out to be the most difficult to navigate to. We thought we had it down. But this time the cops had blocked off the road we had been using to get there. The cops were really trying to force everyone into the cattle park that takes you on the 'death bus' with 100 of your best friends to the a drop off point closer to the field. We decide to keep on driving and avoid the bus of doom.



Since we passed the road we usually turn on our GPS plotted an offroad course to get us back on track. This was rather unusual and scary. The dirt road was only a kilometer ahead. After 45 minutes in traffic knowing full well there was not even the slightest chance to make the kick off we finally get to the point where the GPS says to turn off into the darkness on the dirt road it had found. We hesitate then I punch it and we go flying down the dirt road. there were some sweet jumps we took the car off and magically after many kilometers it puts back on the road we needed to be on. We were alarmed by our GPS's extensive knowledge of dirt roads in swaziland and this alone paid for the GPS. We again drove into the ghetto where we had parked our car last time and this time obtained ourselves the last possible spot. Next we slammed two beers and started walking and against all odds made it for the kick off. As for the thousands of people still back at the car park their busses would not arrive for another hour. The game was the most fun I've had all of them. (disclaimer: The USA games were fun but stressful and this one was just fun because I didn't particularly care on the outcome). Our seats were amazing. We were just above the players somehow in what we want to believe was the VIP section.

Seats just above the players and next to the blocked off section



Wannabe VIP's


Please notice Jakes inability to apply deodorant AFTER putting on his shirt.



Japan handily won the match. We walked back to the car and embark on our drive home. Along the way I notice that our car was looking rather naked. OUR THREADS HAVE BEEN STOLEN! Not cool but I guess leaving South Africa with only our mirror covers stolen off our rental car should be considered a success.

I picked up a new backpack to pack the extra shtuff I'd accumulated. I looked like a little school boy primed for the pickings.


Our new Japanese friend. Jake had made friends with this guy utilizing his Japanese skills. At one point an obnoxious American yelled to this guy and said "Hey Yoshi when you guys gonna score!!," Jake says in Japanese to our new friend "Forget about him, Ignorant American".

The African Crack Epidemic (ACE)

Toilet humor...This was some lady lettin it all hang out and we loved it.

One thing that is intriguing in South Africa is the diversity of bathrooms. Most of them feature an open arrangement so people can watch you shower. Most of the sinks have a separate fosset for hot and cold on separate ends of the sink so that you can not achieve a blended temperature. Some of the urinals feature a manual water handle to wash it down much like a turning on a hose. Some of the public toilets feature an inground hole. Not sure if you pee in this or squat over it and poo. Some places only have a bath with a shower head attachment but no shower curtain so you make a mess rinsing your hair. Some places have huge mirrors right next to the urinal so that everyone going to wash their hands can see your ding dong. Its magical.


Some dog that got kissed on the head and had lipstick marks in his fur. He obviously didn't like it, it was probably the butt crack lady




Our new place... We are no longer staying in the slums. We have relocated to Pretoria and currently staying at quiant little bed and breakfast. This is run by the nicest older couple ever. I was pretty sure they were going to kill us for a while because the room wreaks of mothballs. I figured thats how they covered up the smell of the deceased. This new place features a bathroom with a door and some beds a tv and for once internets! However today the internet was down and we were joking that we sucked them all up. Sadly we find out later that this is the case and that the old man had turned off the nets because we had used up the alotment for the month. The alotment is 1 gig per month which I don't exactly comprehend non unlimited data plans. Oh well.

Each morning they make us breakfast and sit down and eat with us. Its very tasty. The only creepy part is that the old guy sure has taken a certain fancy to Jake. The guy has researched where Jakes from and found his house on Google maps. They talk current events in Atlanta and the two of them had a heartfelt conversation this morn. Creepy. (Tim is just once again jealous)


How to approach this... This dish is known as a half Z. The Z being the loaf of bread. They hallow it out and fill it with either curry or stew. They also offer a quarter Z but were not sure if the full Z is possible.


We finally got our laundry done and it only cost 5 bucks unlike supposedly cheap Swazi that would have cost nearly 90 dollars.



We decided to go find out what the local culture was like in Pretoria. Our GPS pointed out that there was a correctional facility museum. This just seemed like a lovely way to spend the morning. Upon arrival we realized that you had to enter the prison to see the museum. After seeing the sketchy building and the awesome people hanging outside it we decided to look elsewhere for entertainment. We decided to go to a nearby nature reserve. Here we ran into some giant gerbals that made us go down into their lair in the dark cave to meet the Gerbil Queen. We got scared of the snake bat and other random mutant animals in the cave and ran out. Our hike was completed with getting lost and walking up and down a street 5 times until we found the right way to go. Turns out we started out going the right way and turned around. Always trust your gut is the moral here.


Killer mutant gerbil


BIRDS!




There is not to much to say about the boring match between Mexico and Uruguay except that the Mexican fans rival that of the US fans in douchebaggery. They are very rude and dissrespectful. However their chants are slightly more original than ours. Whenever the opposing team is about to kick a ball they all yell and go crazy bang drums and then just as the player kicks the ball the yell "PUUUNTOOOO!" in unison. This translates to Bitch. The only other thing they seem to say is "Chinga Su Madre" which as you probably guessed means fuck your mother. Very classy.



Not much to say about the USA versus Algeria game except that it was very stressful; the buildup was intense, fortunately it was like an Asian massage and there was a happy ending for us.


My money is on Jake for this fight... Bullets are one thing but team spirit is another. You can't kill an idea ..(V for Vendetta butchered quote..)



Pledge to the Un Stopp Able (I saw that on the boob tube and thought it to be clever)




As usual we met a huge slew of American douche bags that makes you embarrased to be an American. For example while we were at the ATM this dbagg was apparently talking to me then comes up to me and yells right in my ear "hey I'm talking to you, are you American!?" I halfway move my head and turn to him and say 'what' , "ARE YOU AMERICAN?!" mind you I am wearing an American flag at the time. I reply to him "Not if you are" he proceeds to harass us Jake turns around and calls him a douche bag and he then does the ever classic "USA, USA, USA" chant in our faces. Awesome.


WE SCORED!!!!


Oh no wait it was taken back. Again. Tim dries his tears on the flag of his for fathers...


We are not so good at timing our own running photos...


Horray bitches we wons!

Driving Etiquette

Our car got graffiti'd while at one of the games... Ayoba means "It's party time" or "cool"

We are slowly learning the ways of the road. Basically for every one lane you have it means two cars must fit in it. If someone moves over to the left hand shoulder of the road it means they are letting you pass. Once you pass you are obliged to say thank you. This is accomplished by turning on your emergency flashers for one to two flashes. But be carful, if you allow too many blinks you won't get the "you're welcome" which is performed by turning on your running lights briefly or flashing your brights. This system is awesome. We wish we could integrate the please/thankyou system in the US. It is very entertaining. It works well in many situations where you let a car into traffic they reply thank you. Its better than the Fuck you road rage system of most american road ways. We also get the "were number one" signal quite often from people on the street which apparently means go Bafana Bafana due to our new mirror covers on the ride.

Other hand signals such as limp wristedly waving your hand means that the person wants a ride. This ends up looking weird and is uncomfortable to immitate. Another weird thing about driving is that at many places where you park men in a reflective vests will be waiting for you. When you get out of your car they will ask you if thats your car. What they are really asking is if you will tip them to watch over your car and help you back out when you leave. This is very weird and makes us feel uncomfortable. If we say no will they rob us...if we say yes will they rob us? We talked to a few people and found out these "guards" actually have no affiliation with the parking lot or mall in which you are parking. They simply show up and promice to guard the car. Its hard to turn down those puppy dog eyes.

Engrish? Y'ello

After spending time with Tim in a forign country i was be surprised to learn that English is his first language. He apparently has no ability to understand anything the locals say and needs me at his side to translate even the most basic of interactions. Tim tried to order bottled water but ended up with sparkling soda water. Whenever a waiter says something Tim generally has to look to me to be the middle man and translate what they said. Tim says that its my mumbling monotone voice that gives me an innate ability to decode their tricky english dialect. When the waiter asks if he wants hot or cold milk with his coffee he stares at them blankely and waits for me to step in. Its embarrassing. Im pretty sure if he were left alone he would be either dead or working a corner in Joburg.

We were at a coffee shop the other day and the waitress asked if he needed anything else. Silence. I then asked him if he needed anything else. He said water. She responded with water? He said "No, Water. Ice Water." She left confused. A few minutes later Tim was the proud owner of a glass full of ice, with no water.

Another time we were pre-gaming the USA Slovenia game. Tim was drinking a Castle which is the local brew. A local walked by saying "Hh so you like Castle?" Tim responded with "A Little" (Thinking that the guy said how much of your Castle have you finished?") The local then looked offended, gave Tim a mean look and left. Simple interactions like this have left Tim unable to truly connect with the African people. Maybe someday when he masters the English language he will be fully integrated into South African Society.

To catch a predator...

On to Kruger nature reserve. We woke up at 6am as instructed only to find that our ride was 3 hours late because some douche bags on the tour slept in. We also found that the driver didn't help because when we went back to pick up the dbags the driver turns to us at one point and asks "Do you know how to use this??" Jake and I looked at each other and then Jake says "Aaaa Map??". We knew were in for a treat. From that we had a quick 8 hour drive to the lodge. Upon arrival we were escorted to our night game drive which was absurdly gay. We saw lots of 'deer' aka impala and returned an hour later cold and bored out of our mind. Once we returned we were shown our new abode. This time we were to stay in a tree house overlooking a river. It was very high off the ground and featured electricity, no heat and many open spots in the bamboo walls. Basically we would be sleeping outside in a tree on some cots. The attendent told us not to leave valuables or food in the house but assured us that it was monkey proof. It was the furthest thing from monkey proof. Gaping holes in the walls and windows that were just sheets hanging down.


Look how secure this is... That one magical pole holding it up.



The first night was absolutely freezing. The tree house is very slanted so everything inside tends to slide down such as the beds and covers. It was a struggle. The second night was a bit warmer and I decided to risk a shower in our outdoor shower thing that was just like a walk in open shower for anyone to see. During the shower a baboon or something starts making terrifying raping sounds and while I stood there in pitch black shivering and naked I was trying to figure out what I would do if he attacked. All I could figure was I would throw the miniature bar of soap at him and run away screaming and naked. Fortunately he did not attack but did try to get in the tree house and Jake has recorded some of the gracefull and soothing sounds this beast was making. Really it sounds like a baboon masterbating while killing something at the same time.


Here is the shower without doors...



Here is the baboon sounds from inside the tree house.. Might be a little quiet so crank up the volume so you can really get in the mood.




We went through Kruger Nature reserve but it was a huge disappointment. All we ended up seeing were deer! We want our money back!

Look a bloated hairless deer. They seemed to hang out by the water trying to be hip... Looks like they all drank the kool aid.


Inverted horn long nose deer, very easy to spot....



Stinky shiny butt deer...Yawn so common



The rare but boring Unicorn Deer



Spotted Long Neck Deer



Sharp Tooth Deer


Wild Deer



Big Horn Deer



Easy, flying deer. Nice try Kruger but I know a deer when I see one.




Now at one point we had the pleasure of listening to something die... Here is this wild deer getting killed by a crocoDeer's last 'words'




The ride home was awful. They had an open game vehicle that had flaps that they could close but instead zip tied them shut so that it channeled all of the air at 120KMPH into our faes and up our legs. We frozed even though I was bundled up in my new as Jake calls it "New designer sweat shirt and designer sun shades"

unaTim trying to keep warm and in style..


Artsy fartsy shot of Jake


Sunset!!! So long Kruger!

Jake goes ape shit

It was time for our second USA game this one was against Slovenia. As usual we had no plan for getting to the game so we just drive toward the stadium and waited for something random to happen. We were guided by one of the FIFA security personal to follow this local person to a parking spot they were managing. He leads us down a street and into the projects where everyone stares at us from their shambled apartments above. When presented with these situations we have found ourselves going to the same solution; Drinking and juggling the soccer ball. Within minutes some local kids joined us for juggling. As our parking spot got boxed in we continued to juggle. Cars had now filled up all the space on the sidewalk and we were now playing in the middle of the street. It became very entertaining to pop the ball over the oncoming traffic. In one case Jake decided to hit the ball over a cop car which earned him some serious props from the locals.



When it turned game time Jake decided to leave the ball with the local kids. I did not agree with this move. But they vouched to gaurd our car and we felt very safe leaving the vehicle. Upon return the kids were waiting with the ball and the car had been untouched. Jake gets a few photos with the locals and decides to give the ball to the kid who was clutching the ball. I was not pleased. This was a very nice ball that we would not easily be able to replace and we were about to depart for three days where we would NEED to juggle! (tim needs to get over this, it was a solid move)


I hate you Jake. 2nd ball bites the dust.



Shortly before leaving for the game we decided to befriend the couple in the car parked behind us who had been waiting in the cab of their truck. They looked like they were too scared to leave their truck but turns out they were native South Africans and were just listening to the 4pm game before heading out to Ellis Park. We started to talk and they were very nice. Turns out they were rooting for the good ol US of A. Once we were boxed in at our parking spots we agreed that if the cars were holding us in after the game we would hang out and grab a drink.

Just after they left a group of American fans pulled up next to their truck. They seemed to fit the mold of the usual American fan we have been observing. Obnoxious, Loud, Drunk, and Inconsiderate. Buh. Anyways they ended up having to re-park their car because it was sticking out in the street and during this process they ended up hitting our new friends truck. As they got out we heard things like "Man we scraped the shit out of their car", "Dont worry, they are fucking South Africans, who cares", and "its a fucking Nissan, who cares?". Rage filled us and there was no question why the world hates Americans. They proceeded to realize that they could get in troble for what they had just done and left to park around the corner. "They will never know".

After once again realizing how much we hate our fans, Jake ran around the corner and recorded their licence plate. We thought about leaving a note but figured we would see the couple after the game and could tell them. Unfortunately they were gone by the time we returned. So if by some random long shot you are reading this, its ND 550 683. I hope were all not like this, so sad.

The game was another exciting match. We had great seats again and had better people around us than before. The one really strange thing was the huge douche from the last game who was sitting in frount of us was now behind us. They must have grouped us with his annoying presence for the last match as well, joy! Being that he was behind us we didnt hear as many of his annoying comments. It also appears as if his girlfriend had left him mid match of the USA England game. Good move.



The US quickly went down 1-0 which is getting annoying. This time we had the joy of seeing a second go in as well. Going in down two at half sucks. But sure enough a comeback was in the works. Landon (who i still dont like) hit in a great goal to make it 2-1 and then Bradly equalized to much excitement. It seemed it would end in a tie until we scored again. We were so excited that we looked away immediatly and started celebrating with jumping and hugs. Turns out a bad call nullified the goal. So frustrating. The game ended 2-2 and now we have to win our next game with a favrable goals for stat to advance. This should have been in the bag. After reading the news it turns out they fired the ref from the game, too little too late. At least we havent lost yet, watch yourself Algeria.

After the game we returned to our shithole hostel only to find our room had been double booked. We drive 15 minutes back to the main lodge to work it out. After about a minute of conversation Jake decides to go ape shit on the reception staff for the hostel. I sat there trying to shrink into my chair and be invisible as Jake baraded them with every variety of the F Bomb he could muster. "You fucking fucked us. You fucked us up the ass. Have you ever been there? (Jake doesn't let him finish answering) Its a shithole! A fucking shithole!" Jake did not stop there this went on for about 5 minutes until the barage was over and we got a somewhat better room in the main hostel which actually had a heater included.

Jake was so pissed after this that he wanted to defecate in the middle of the room. He tried to knock over every planter and rip every piece of paper we walked by. He also stole and defaced this poster with gum and providing new tongues...


After calming down we finally got what little sleep we could in preparation for our trip to Kruger the following day.